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Sunday, August 27, 2006

A young girl walked down an all too familiar street. She collected diaries, but she had been to all these stores before and she was getting restless.

She wanted more diaries!

Out of the corner of her eyes, she spotted small, gray store she hadn't seen before.

Walking up to it, she tried to look through the window, but couldn't as it was covered with dust and bits of the glass were broken off and the jagged edges looked dangerous.

Stepping quietly into the store, she looked around. The entire building seemed to mad out of old, moldy wood. The shelves were covered with cobwebs and dust, while at the old fashioned register stood a rickety, bony, old man. His pale skin clung to his bones and his eyes seemed to bulge as they stared at her wildly.

Nervously going up to him, her voice shook as she spoke, "U-Um... do you sell any diaries?"

His hands were also thin and bony the girl noticed as he held up a dust-covered diary with a cross-skull on the front.

"I-I'll take it."

The old man's long nails clicked on the keys as he rang up the total, "Twenty dollars."

She handed it to him and took the diary, walking swiftly out of the store trying to ignore him as he called out to her, "Whatever you do... don't look at the back."

The young girl kept walking for a while, curiosity poking at her. Without realizing it, she walked into a dark alley, lit up only by a flickering streetlamp.

Deciding that nothing... too bad could come out of just a quick peek, she turned it over...
...and screamed.

"NINETY-NINE CENTS?!?!?!"

***

A woman had a fight with her husband so she ended up walking on the beach, fuming, while her husband was in the city.

As she walked along the shoreline, she noticed something gleaming in the water so she walked over and picked it up.

It was a magical lamp. So she began rubbing it and poof out came the genie.

"I will grant you three wishes."

The woman smiled, "Ok I want-"

"Wait. I'm just going to let you know. Whatever you wish for, your husband receives double."

"What?!" the woman screamed. "That is SO UNFAIR!!!!!"

The woman thought about it and finally decided. She really needed some things anyway, "I want a million dollars."

poof

In front of her appeared a million dollars, but somewhere in the city, two million dollars appeared before her husband.

"I also want a mansion."

poof

Right there on the beach was a nice mansion overlooking the sea, but somewhere in the city, her husband received two mansions.

"Wait, so whatever I wish for, my husband receives double?"

"The genie nodded."

"Ok then. Genie, I want you to scare me half to death"

***

A pastor died and went to heaven.

When got there, he was given a mansion. A really nice mansion. Nice and big, and very well furnished.

An angel was giving him a tour of heaven, he saw that a taxi driver had a castle.

Turning to the angel he asks, "Why does a taxi driver have a castle while I have only a mansion?"

"Well," The angel responded. "Tell me. What happened when you preached."

"People were saved! Well... some people left... and some people... slept... but still! Some people were saved!" the Pastor answered.

The angel shrugged and said, "Yes, when you preached, people slept. But let me tell you, when this guy drove, everyone prayed."

***

A man was interested in purchasing a horse, so when he saw the sign "HORSE FOR SALE" on a church, he immediately went in and bought it.

Walking out and talking with the pastor, the elderly man blessed him and helped him onto the horse, "Now sonny, before you can ride, you need to know the commands for this horse."

"To make it trot just say 'Hallelujah.' To make it gallop, say 'Praise the Lord,' and to make it stop just say, 'Amen.'"

With that, the old pastor left.

Excited to get started, the young man said, "Hallelujah!" The horse's trot was steady, but he wanted to go faster, "PRAISE THE LORD!!!!"

The horse ran fast, and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster until the young man spotted that they were going to run off a cliff.

Because he was so terrified, he forgot all the commands and just went to praying, "Lord. Please... save me! AMEN!"

The horse stopped, merely inches away from the edge of the cliff.

Filled with thankfulness and relief the man threw up his arms and shouted, "Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!"

***

I asked the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, held a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

"No!"

Then I said, "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "No!"

"Well," I continued. "Then how can I get to heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted, "You gotta be dead!"

***

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about the solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was, not surprisingly, a huge failure.

Because:In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And,
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

***

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were on a camping trip. As they lay down to sleep, Holmes looked up at the starry night and said, "Watson... tell me what you see."

Watson also looked into the sky and said, "I see thousands and thousands of stars."

"And what does it tell you," Sherlock wanted to know.

His response was a long, logical one, "Well... Astronomically, it tells me that there are billions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow... what does it tell you?"

"Watson you idiot!" Holmes shouted. "Somebody stole our tent!!"

***

A transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US navy ship and Canadian authorities of the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Us Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees South to avoid collision.

CND (Canadian) reply: Recommend you diver you course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Us ship: This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, diver your course.

CND reply: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Us ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US CORAL SEA, WE ARE A VERY LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse, your call.

***

Jack had a near-death experience that changed his life forever. One day, Jack went horseback riding. Everything was going fine, until the horse started bouncing out of control. Jack tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when he thought things could not possibly get any worse, his foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, he fell head first into the ground. His head continued to bounce harder and harder, and the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as he was giving up hope and losing all consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

***

Three nuns were sitting at a football game.

Three men were sitting behind them, but since it was hard for them to see with people in front, they decided to badger the nuns into leaving.

The first guy said, "I'm moving to Idaho.... I hear there are only 50 Catholics living there."

The second guy said, "No. No. No. I'm moving to Montana... I hear there are only 30 Catholics living there."

The third guy said, "Well, I'm moving to New Jersey... really there are only 10 Catholics there!"

On of the nuns turned around and said, "Why don't you go to hell?"

A second nun turned around and said, "Yah!"

The third nun turned around and said, "Don't worry. There are no Catholics there!"

***

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Nytol Sleeping Aid: "Warning. May cause drowsiness." One would only hope.

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." As opposed to what?

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." I gotta admit, I'm curious.

friends forever ; 2:28 PM